Cut to the icehut at Framheim, circa 1911. All the occupants are Norwegian polar explorers – Wisting, Bjaaland, Johansen, Prestrud, Stubberud, Hassel. Amundsen and Helmer Hanssen enter – downwards (on wires).
Amundsen Morning.
Lindstrøm (the cook) Morning.
Amundsen What have you got, then?
Lindstrøm Well there’s egg and penguin; egg, skua and penguin; egg and seal; egg, penguin and seal; egg, penguin, skua and seal; seal, penguin, skua and seal; seal, egg, seal, seal, penguin and seal; seal, seal, seal, egg and seal; seal, seal, seal, seal, seal, seal, baked beans, seal, seal, seal and seal; or lutefisk aux crevettes with a gjetost sauce garnished with truffle pâté, aquavit and a fried egg on top and seal.
Helmer Hanssen Have you got anything without seal in it?
Lindstrøm Well, there’s seal, egg, skua and seal. That’s not got much seal in it.
Helmer Hanssen I don’t want any seal.
Amundsen Why can’t he have egg, penguin, seal and skua?
Helmer Hanssen That’s got seal in it!
Amundsen Not as much as seal, egg, skua and seal.
Helmer Hanssen Look, could I have egg, penguin, seal and skua without the seal?
Lindstrøm Uuuuuuggggh!
Helmer Hanssen What d’you mean uuugggh! I don’t like seal.
Norwegians (singing) Seal, seal, seal, seal, seal … seal, seal, seal, seal, seal … lovely seal, wonderful seal …
Brief stock shot of the Fram.
Lindstrøm (to the Norwegians) Shut up. Shut up! Shut up! (to Hanssen) You can’t have egg, penguin, seal and skua without the seal.
Helmer Hanssen Why not?
Lindstrøm No, it wouldn’t be egg, penguin, seal and skua, would it.
Helmer Hanssen I don’t like seal!
Amundsen Don’t make a fuss, Helmer. I’ll have your seal. I love it. I’m having seal, seal, seal, seal, seal …
Norwegians (singing) Seal, seal, seal, seal, seal …
Amundsen … baked beans and seal.
Lindstrøm Baked beans are off.
Amundsen Well, can I have seal instead?
Lindstrøm You mean seal, seal, seal, seal, seal, seal, seal, seal, seal and seal?
Amundsen Yes.
Lindstrøm Arrggh!
Norwegians … lovely seal, wonderful seal
Lindstrøm Shut up! Shut up! (but it is too late and the Norwegians drown his words)
Norwegians (exuberantly) Seal seal seal seal. Lovely seal! Wonderful seal! Seal se-e-e-e-e-e-al seal se-e-e-e-e-al seal. Lovely seal! Lovely seal! Lovely seal! Lovely seal! Lovely seal! Seal seal seal seal!
Exeunt.
(The moral of this post is, of course, never watch Monty Python videos after a late night of reading about Norwegians at the South Pole. Unless you like that sort of thing.)
